Happy marriages are assembled. They don’t come perfectly packaged. Like building a house, you need parts, materials, and tools to make it stand strong. It’s your choice…Do you want to live under a roof that’s structurally sound, or one that’s shaky with missing parts?

Surely, you want the roof that will withstand a rainstorm. Yet, many couples don’t know how to build a structurally sound marriage. Once you know how, it’s in your hands to build a marriage that works. The sooner you realize that you have to build a happy marriage, the sooner you’ll have one.

So, here are 7 basic principles for a happy marriage. Don’t despair if your relationship needs work in these areas. It’s your awareness of these topics and your willingness to address them that matters the most!

1. A happy marriage starts with a happy single. Although you are a couple, you’re still an individual with ideas and passions that are a part of you. You’re sense of joy and happiness is your feeling, and therefore your responsibility. We can’t make people do things, just as our partner’s can’t make us happy. So, stay in touch with what you love about life. What are your strengths, and what’s wonderful about you? These qualities are important to live by everyday. Decide to be a fulfilled individual, and you’ll likely have a fulfilling marriage.

2. Talk about the importance of talking. A Lack of communication between couples is the number one reason for marital stress. The fastest way to put strain on a marriage is to hold back your feelings. It’s not fair to expect your spouse to know your thoughts. If there’s something you must say, then say it confidently from a loving place. The fact is, people who don’t speak-up RARELY get their needs met.

3. You CANNOT change your partner. What are his/her patterns, behaviors, hobbies, and interests now? You can count on the fact that they’ll continue these patterns, and, when married, you’ll feel them more intensely. If he loves football now, he’ll always love it. If she hangs out with her friends on Saturday nights, then some Saturday nights she’ll still hang out. Patterns and behaviors of your partner rarely change after marriage, they only magnify. Marry your partner for who they are today; Not who you want them to be tomorrow.

4. Leave the past in the past. If you’re getting ready to walk down the aisle, then you’ve already decided to accept your fiancés past. If your partner has a history that’s unclear or unsettling for you, clear it up now. Otherwise, let it go. Even more, if past relationships remain heartbreaking, share them with your partner. If there’s more deep-seated pain from the past, seek out a counselor or coach to gain some closure. Whatever you do, don’t just ignore a particularly painful past. It has a way of re-surfacing in the present, and can complicate and confuse your feelings in your current relationship.

5. Discuss the sensitive topics of money. Financial stress has the power to divide the strongest marriages. Consider these questions now: Do either of you have lots of personal debt? Have you both fully disclosed how much you owe, and whose responsible for paying the debt once you’re married? What’s the status of these accounts? Are they current, late, bankrupt? Joint accounts or separate? This information should not be a surprise when you return from paradise. If you haven’t told your partner about some outstanding debt, it’s time to do it. Then, ask yourself why you’re holding back, and re-read step 2 above.

6. How many kids, if any? Let’s face it, you’ve either always known you want to have children, or contemplated living a child-free life. Either way, if you want one kid and he wants three, understand that you may both change your mind once a baby is born. But, if one person wants no children and the other does, it significantly changes your future plans together. These critical facts should NOT be surprises. They can be deal-breakers if you strongly disagree.

7. Share your biggest dreams and passions, then listen to your partner’s. Support and encourage your partner to fulfill his/her passion. If you’ve always wanted to start a business, be home with your kids, live overseas, or go to Peru, tell your partner now. In order to create a happy marriage, you must live your life fully. This doesn’t mean you both have to experience every dream, but if you can simply share these dreams, your partner will learn more about what’s truly inside of you. By allowing your partner inside your deepest thoughts, you strengthen your bond, and connect on a higher, more spiritual level.

Do more than enjoy the wedding of your dreams. Create a lifetime of happiness. Remember, happy, healthy individuals create happy, healthy relationships.

Kimberly Talley, MA
Life & Relationship Coach
Phone: 301-875-5019
E-mail: coach.services@gmail.com