My child will not listen to anything I say and no discipline seems to make a difference in his or her behavior. Most children will present with some parenting challenges. They do not readily submit to our authority and will have ideas of their own as to what they should do and how they should spend their time. But early in their childhood they have a ready affection for mom and dad and do very much like to spend time with us as parents. The relationship comes easy as they seek the relationship with us and their behavioral problems are usually manageable with some firmness and redirection. As they approach adolescence they begin to develop physically.

One aspect of this development is brain growth. The brain goes from weighing approximately two pounds in a child to finally being three pounds in a full grown adult. With this brain growth comes the ability to reason in new ways, to consider possibilities rather than simply thinking in a black and white, right and wrong style. With this change in brain power, comes the task of becoming an independent individual, separate from mom and dad. But at this early age children are not ready to stand alone and face the world by themselves, hence the dependence on friends. This is why peer relationships in the middle school years become so important to children that age. It is also why these children become so intensely interested in what is cool, who is popular and who is not popular. It is at this juncture that parents often begin to lose the strength of their influence on their children because of the diminished relationship. Without this relationship, discipline becomes far more challenging.

Discipline without relationship usually invites rebellion. Sometimes this rebellion is outright and at other times this rebellion is sneaky or hidden, but either way the rebellion is there. Why? The reason for the increase in rebellion is the increasing sense on the part of the children that the rules are merely arbitrary, created by decree by the parents simply because the parents want to decree the rules. The “why” of the two year old to understand his world becomes the “why” of the young teenager when wanting to understand the limits being placed on their behavior or something is being required of them. Some explanation of the rules can be very helpful, but no amount of explanation helps when there is a loss of relationship, largely because the child has lost respect for the parent’s point of view. The greater the rift between child and parent, the greater the difficulty in getting that child to appreciate the parent’s point of view. Consequently, getting that child to cooperate with a rule that he or she does not like or understand becomes a significant challenge and a source of frustration for both parents and children alike. What can you do as a parent to prevent or change this in your child?

1. Make sure that you maintain that relationship with your child as they begin to enter the adolescent years. This usually involves

A) making sure that you know their friends,

B) take time to share in your child’s interests, not making them follow along in your interests

C) take time to explain the reason behind certain rules,

D) listen to their ideas and point of view and

E) spend ample time with just you and the child to cement the bond between you.

2. Deal with them with increasingly larger spheres of privilege and responsibility as they mature. There is of course the understanding that this increase is merit based and must be earned.

3. If you find that you have begun to lose your relationship you must take a serious amount of time to spend with your child separate from their friends. You must take them away to engage in some recreational activity that allows ample interaction between you, a long weekend is a great start. You may have to do this for a period of months before you begin to see a shift in the relationship between you and your child. Engaging them in constructive activities in which they will likely meet new friends can also be a good idea, sport or extracurricular activities at school are some ideas. This will allow you to become more significant in your child’s life as they become less dependent on old friends.

Remember, no one really likes a dictator. A parent without a relationship with his or her child is like a dictator to that child. You can keep a child in line but it will be a significant battle that will really impair your ability to enjoy being a parent.