Clients who are stumped have brought toddler sleeping habits to my attention twice last week. In both cases, parents are asking me what can be done to persuade their youngsters (each about 2 ½ years old) to sleep at night in their own beds versus sleeping in their parent’s bed. “Co-sleeping” is the term used when children sleep in their parent’s bed, also called shared sleep or the family bed. Prior to the late 1700’s co-sleeping was the norm in all societies. Some very dedicated parents have passionately believed that close bodily contact was very necessary for their bonding with their child. Some parents believed that this physical closeness at night is a necessity, a requirement for a loving relationship to be created.

Parents across America allow co-sleeping on occasion. 93% of middle-class families report having a frightened (bad dreams) or a sick child share their bed. If there is lightening and thunder the dog may also sneak into the bed for comfort. Parents who allow their frightened or sick child into their beds also take the time to return their child to their own bed after their child is more relaxed or falls asleep. Approximately 20% of parents routinely allow their child to sleep with them, either for part or all of the night.

Each client told me more or less the same story – co-sleeping was more than acceptable when his or her youngster was smaller and younger. Now that their child is growing bigger and older, they complained that their child noisily snored, squirmed, tossed and turned, grinded their teeth, and overall disrupted their sleep. The bed became very crowed and the parents were starting to resent their child’s behavior. The parents were exhausted each morning and they knew why. These parents wanted to know how to coax their child into staying all night in their own beds. Here are the suggestions I gave them:

1. Start Setting Limits and Schedules. Create a set schedule for the PM hours, i.e., dinner, playtime, bath time, quiet time (reading, listening to tapes), and sleep time. This schedule should be shared verbally with your child and carried out every single night. Use colorful makers and put this schedule on a big piece of paper and tape it to your kitchen wall.

2. Try to introduce something “new” in your child’s bedroom (a new rug, new pillows, new bed). The new bedroom stuff signifies change and new conditions.

3. After putting your child in his own bed (a night light may be a good idea), smother him with nighty-night kisses, sweet dream hugs, and tell your child that you’ll be in the next room. Your child may cry and scream when he realizes he is not going to sleep in your room. Allow your child to cry and scream before giving any reassurances (five minutes the first night, nine minutes the next night, eleven minutes the next night, etc.), waiting progressively longer each evening. Remember it’s a parents’ job to provide a really secure environment, which will allow your child independence to develop. Establish the rule that your child will now only sleep in his own bedroom and make absolutely no exceptions.

4. If your child does fall asleep in his own bed and then later in the evening finds his way back to your bed – wake yourself up and carry/walk your child back to his bed. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Don’t over-react, just say, “Remember we have a rule that says you sleep in your own bed.” This may make you very tired in the morning, but after a few nights, your child will get the message and not wake himself up in order to move into your bed. Night waking behavior is common with preschoolers. A common cause of night waking is that your child associates your presence with falling asleep.

It is vital that both parents accept this plan of action and both parents follow through even if it means nobody catches any sleep for a few nights. Parents should feel empowered to change the co-sleeping pattern and to enjoy a good night’s sleep and each other’s company. To educate yourself even further, spend some time at the local library and check out books on children’s sleep problems and behaviors.

Reward your child after a full week of sleeping in his own bed. Use colorful stickers to mark how many days on your schedule paper so he can keep track and be proud of himself.