Insult a Northern guy and he’s likely to shrug it off and say, “What’s your problem?” The same type of insult-especially if you offend his reputation or his wife’s honor-can get a southerner swinging or shooting.

Why is it that Southerners can be so quick on the draw when it comes to their honor, especially when it accounts for so many homicides? And what, you might ask, does this have to do with parenting?

Livestock, Livelihoods and Rambo
For years it was thought that the heat, poverty, race relations, and availability of guns in the South were responsible for so much violence. It turns out that none of these are the real reason.

In their book, Culture of Violence, two authors delve deeply into why there is more violence in the South than in the North. They discovered that when people first began settling in this land of golden opportunity, the Scotch Irish farmers who settled in the rich farmlands of the South had descended from Gaelic herdsmen.

The herdsmen who lived in Scotland and Ireland many generations ago had to find a way to protect their livestock. If animals were stolen from these herdsmen, they would lose their livelihood and their families would starve. The solution was to establish a reputation of Rambo proportions to scare would-be thieves away from their territory.

To maintain this image, they would quickly spring into violent combat if anyone made a negative action or statement against them. Successful retaliation against even the smallest hint of disrespect promoted the image of a strong person of honor; one who is not to be challenged in any way. This approach kept these herdsmen safe from rustlers roaming the region. After all, who in their right mind would mess with Rambo?

This created a “culture of honor” that ensured economic security for Gaelic herdsmen. The result, as Nisbett and Cohen learned, is this:

“Southerners and Northerners have learned different attitudes about violence in notions of honor and respect. Southerners, for example, are more likely to agree that violence is an acceptable defense of home and family and as a mechanism of social control . . . honor threatened is honor lost and no response to the possible loss of honor is too extreme.”

What does this have to do with raising a children?
Fast forward to now. Over two hundred years later, many upstanding Southern parents still coach their children to fight if someone insults their honor, their property or their spouse. Caring parents who subscribe to this outdated Gaelic philosophy think they are teaching their children critical skills for survival.

What does this have to do with you?
Who knew that some of the parenting practices you hold most dear might actually be harmful to your children? For example, the self-esteem movement of the 80’s was a disaster. It turns out the practice of constantly telling a child how great and special he is can create a sense of entitlement that can actually stop him from learning. It wound up backfiring and lowering children’s self-esteem. The way to help your child create true self esteem is explained in our book, “I Can Do It! How to Help Your Child Have a Can Do Attitude.”

How do you know you are giving your precious children the skills for a happy, successful and rewarding life that fits today’s world?

I found out that I was doing the opposite when my daughter was about to flunk out of high school. I was panicked and did some real soul searching and researching. I realized that I needed to do things differently. When I changed, she changed. She wound up graduating from high school, college and became a very successful manager. ( For the complete story see “The Power of Parenting” at www.candokid.com ) I know that if I had not been willing to take a hard look at myself and make changes in my parenting practices she would not be the happy person she is today.

How do you break free from old habits and ineffective parenting philosophies?

One helpful way is to write a mission statement for yourself as a parent, stating your goals for your child. This statement acts as a guiding star for your actions. After you have your parenting mission statement down (even while you’re working on it), identify the skills and practices that will be necessary to fulfill this mission (both for you and your child).

For example:

It is my mission as a parent to provide my child with skills
and abilities for being a responsible, caring person, who makes a
positive contribution to the world, gets along well with others,
reaches her goals in life and has a happy, successful, fulfilling life.
(The long and eloquent version.)
 

Or
I want my daughter to live a life she loves. (The Reader’s Digest version.)

Below are some skills that might be necessary to accomplish the Parenting Mission Statement:

My child will need to learn to:

• Develop a Can-Do Attitude
• Accomplish Goals
• Have self-control
• Solve problems make wise decisions
• Make and keep friends and get along well with others:
   

  As a parent you might need to learn how to:

   

• Be an effective coach
• Give both positive and negative feedback
   

   

There are many ways to break free from the grip of old habits. You can take classes, read books and study on the internet. One world of caution, however! Everyone has an opinion about how to raise kids these days. In fact, it’s almost become a national past time! How do you know who to listen to? The neighbor across the street? Your pediatrician? The woman in the grocery store checkout? It turns out that in the last three or four decades, there has been a concerted effort by many psychologists and researchers to identify what skills are necessary for raising healthy, successful kids. When you begin your research, look for good information that includes proven data.